God, I'm Tired!

Andrena
Jan 10, 2015
2 min read

You ever told God you were tired? I find myself doing that a lot lately. You see, the last year has been absolutely crazy, for lack of better words. I would share the stories, but I want to take this in a slightly different direction than just a pity party. My purse was stolen just last Sunday. In a church, of all places. It contained financial information, my cell phone, legal documents, identification, and documents for work. Ironically, the incident is a perfect illustration of what my faith journey looks like right now—what has always been a comfortable and safe place, has turned into an uncomfortable and unpredictable space. The thought of that makes me tired, only because I’ve been in this mental space for what feels like forever. I’ve made some monumental mistakes in my life. Sometimes, I still feel like God is punishing me for them. Fighting those thoughts is tiring. Mainly because I know those thoughts are an exact contradiction to what the gospel of grace (i.e. Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection) teaches, but my circumstances appear to confirm my theory more than the gospel of grace. When I was younger, one of my favorite passages in the bible was Genesis 18:16-33. I can imagine God literally taking Abraham by the hand to lead him outside to the stars. They have an exchange that is as real in my mind as the conversations I have with my best friends. Abraham questions God’s ability to save and whether He will keep His promises. Instead of pouring out wrath, He simply answers all the questions, and the passage ends with, “when the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, He left, and Abraham returned home.” Back then, I wished the Lord spoke to me that way. Some days, I still wish our exchanges were that easy. I’m convinced that’s what grace looks like, and when I say I’m tired, I’m really saying I'm tired of exchanges that are more like wrestling matches which I always lose. Then I am reminded that it is in those tough exchanges that I experience the most growth. I am also reminded that my seeming loss is really for my good, because His ways are far above mine. He wants good for me. That's the reality, and that's been my experience, even in tough times. I’ve gotten quite a few telephone calls from older women at the church in the last week. They’ve called me “just to encourage me.” They tell me, “this is just the devil trying to discourage you. This is a distraction because he knows bigger things are coming for you. This is just a stepping stone to your victory.” I’ve heard that a lot in life. By a lot, I mean a lot. Perhaps faith is actually believing them, for yet another time.